Pain, plus time, equals a funny story, and with 12 years of Crohn’s experience under my belt, I have had a lot of painful things happen to me. At the time, each event was somewhat mentally scaring, but with some distance, they have now culminated into a repertoire of hilarious stories… at least I think so.
Let me share with you some crazy anecdotes:
- There was the time I was getting a rectal examination, always fun! And mid-way through, a nurse pops in to borrow a pen from the Doctor doing the… probing. It took about thirty seconds before the nurse stopped chatting about “never having a pen” and realised that the doctor was, literally, inside of me.
- There was the time, during an endoscopy, the crew dropped the camera that was due to be attached to the endoscope, after, having fed the tube down my throat. “Sit tight” they said as they tried to find a replacement camera. “Find my happy place, find my happy place”.
- There was the time I was sitting in the Surgical Assessment Unit, breaching level nine on the pain scale, a nurse hands me a small white cup and says “drink this”. I asked no questions, and my family didn’t see it happen. Ten minutes later, I am as high as a kite, staring off into middle space and dribbling a little, much to the concern of my family who thought I was losing consciousness and freaked the hell out. Oral Morphine is a powerful drug kids!
- There was the time, during an overnight stay in hospital, in which I pleaded for additional pain relief to battle some badass stomach cramps. The non-Gastro, night shift doctor suggested, and proceeded to install a urinary catheter to relieve my pain…. not ideal, and in no way did this relieve my pain! To add insult to injury, when I saw my gastro consultant the next morning, he was like, WTF, why did they do this to you, let me take that out… I mean…. Why, just why!
- There was the time, my mother was fighting my corner in the SAU to get me admitted. The surgical consultant walked in, my notes in hand, and asks “do you think this could be linked to your bowels or be symptoms, perhaps of IBS?” After a deep breath, my mother calmly, but firmly asked him: “Are you actually a doctor? Have you even opened his notes?” Even at a nine on the pain scale, I managed a stifled laugh, as the doctor gingerly opened my notes and avoided eye contact, as he saw Crohn’s disease strewn over every page he opened.
- There was the time I woke up, after a surgery to repair a fistula, with a wrist band on that said Anal Package… classic!
- There was also the time I had said anal package removed by a nurse in training, who pulled on the seton that had been placed inside of me, instead of the gauze packing… I kid you not, I screamed! I mean, these things do not even look alike.
- There was the time my IBD nurse and I were reviewing the notes of my past colonoscopy and we found the frankly hilarious phrase, “the patient experienced pain as I tried to enter him!” Cue uncontrollable laughter akin to 10-year-old boys laughing at fart noises. There has to be a better way of phrasing that, right?
- There was the time I was back at the SAU for a potential perianal abscess, and I had the distinct feeling I was auditioning for an amateur porn movie. I first saw the junior doctor, who did a thorough examination of my back passage, but wanted a second opinion from his boss, who also had a good feel. Unsure himself, he sought out his colleague to confirm his diagnosis, and as a learning opportunity, he invited his team. I literally, had 8 people, with a torch, stretching me open to look inside my bum… such fun for a Wednesday morning; but I was grateful, honest.
- There was the time I underwent a mammoth eight-hour surgery to remove 10cm of my bowels, and awoke in my bed, unable to sit up or see my wounds. I have a well-founded fear of having medical tubes put into me; you read the catheter story above right! Now, que my father*, pointing at my stomach: “there is a drainage tube coming out of you, did you know that?” … Irrational panic ensues!!!
*In hindsight, I am grateful for my fathers’ approach, as if I had found it myself, with no family around, it would have been a hundred times worse; I love ya dad.